I cannot recall my early childhood, but I can surely narrate as to what might have happened as now I know my personality type and my desires and wants. I can also say that I do remember some bits and pieces of my early childhood up to the age when I begin to identify and differentiate my needs and wants from my brother and sister. I remember voices like do’s and don’ts and my parent’s biased behavior towards me and my sister. In my early school days I used to wonder as to why my brother gets the bigger share at the lunch hour and we don’t.
I used to think why I am punished severely of wrong doings than my brother who only gets reprisal. I was being held responsible and I was told again and again by my parents and close aunts and uncles to become careful of my duties and responsibilities, as I am the eldest one and should take care of my younger brother and sister. I remember the times when my sister used to hit me and I used to run away from her due to fear that if she would again hit me I would get hurt. At this small quarrel, my parents use to cuddle and laugh at us, thinking that we were mere kids with no feelings and no ego
But we did posses feelings and I especially my ego. But I couldn’t do anything about it as I was pressurized to become the eldest and be responsible and take the blame of others. At that time my mind used to think of the injustice and I built up aggression against my parent’s attitude of indifference at these minor events, which altogether shaped my personality. My parents expected too much from me and I expected love, which they never expressed, in the literal terms. I was and still am the brightest child of my parents, but my brilliance got wasted due to the high expectations of my parents towards me. In a sense they do love me and care for me, but not in the way I wanted.
I wanted to be cuddled and caressed and assured of security and trust from my parents. I did receive attention but in a sense of responsibilities. Then I begin to retaliate and became more and more aggressive. My mother says that I had been aggressive since my childhood, and in anger either I shout and burst out bad things or cry from anger and kept quiet. This anger in me grew as I became older and reached my adolescence. I started to say no to anything, which does not suited or interested me. And thus became the problem child of my family.
My mother recalls that I had also been the most difficult child of hers. When I was in my oral stage, I used to cry and most of the time expelled whenever she used to watch TV or with her friends. In my anal stage, she recalls that I used to hide after I expelled my feces and to make things difficult for her I used to take it in my hands and spread it all over me. I used to cry whenever she was on the phone or talking to someone else. I now understand that I craved for attention, which she only gave, whenever I created turmoil. This shaped my aggressive and rude personality. I had to struggle to develop ego identity, because of the negligent behavior of my parents, especially my mother. The attention, which my brother and sister were getting, was obstructing me in developing my identity.
Usually, it is observed that the girls idealize their father, but this was not the case with me rather I was more interested in the personality of my brother. Even the relationship with my father was also not quiet worthy. I do remember that I did cared for my father, and I still do, but not in the real sense. He is the person who encouraged me to the limits of no return, that I can do every thing in my life. But as I grew older, his encouragement catered much towards the culture where girls are regarded as inferior commodity than boys, than towards me. I hated this change and never came to accept the fact that I can be inferior to my opposite sex. Why should I be, when my mind says no to the things that I did not expect to understand? Instead of admiration and envy towards my father, I begin to develop an attitude of mistrust and dislike. I begin to show disrespect towards the male members of my family and my surroundings.
I recall I never used to have any male friend in my pre-nursery and in my early classes, even though I was enrolled in the coeducation school. Rather, I used to seek girls for playtime, and became more and more stubborn towards the needs of the opposite sex. In my adolescence, I used to see and admire pretty girls than boys, never tried to attract the opposite sex with makeup hassles and attractive dresses. But one thing was for sure; I used to see a guy who not in the least looked like my dad. I know dads are ideals, and girls mostly see dad like characters when they are attracted towards the opposite sex. But in my case it was entirely different. I never looked for a dad like figure. The id will not stand for a delay in gratification. This act of wish fulfillment satisfies the id's desire for the moment, though obviously it does not reduce the tension of the unfulfilled urge.
My sexual urges were the most critical both in my child hood and my adolescence. They still are. These urges are the demands of the id, the most primitive motivational force. In pursuit of these ends, the id demands immediate gratification, regardless of circumstances. When I was in grade two, I remember, I watched a movie in which there was a sex scene which I saw almost more than twenty times, till my mother came and I plugged off the switch of the VCR, whilst my mother would see. I was both afraid and pleased, rather my feeling were such that I felt a kind of satisfaction and urge to see more and more of the scene.
I wondered if I could experiment. But I knew I could not so I repressed my thoughts and feelings and indulged more and more in books, and channeled my thoughts and feelings by spending time reading all types of books. I enjoyed reading the romantic fiction most, as it satisfied a bit of my unconscious desires and urges for sex and other pleasures of my life, which were repressed. I became more and more of aloof person and became isolated from family and friends, which were very few from the very beginning. I remember, when I was in 6th grade I used to write poems and short stories relating to violence and aggression. I used to describe events such as roses of blood and streets full of dead people. But those writings were not very good according to my perception. I never told anyone of such activity.
The id may have an urge and form a picture, which satisfies this urge, the ego engages in a strategy to actually fulfill the urge. As I grew up disliking my father, I came to like my brother. As my mother and father kept on favoring him, I kept on liking him and disliking them. I liked his attitudes and ways. I don’t know why, may be I became envious of him and tried to be like him or close to him. Sometimes I did try to behave as a boy, when we used to play and dressed him up in frocks, when I was 5 and he was 3. I liked being a boy rather than a girl.
I was developing as more and more aloof person. It so happened that in the course of time, I was getting away from any sort of gathering and becoming an introvert person. I indeed have a hidden personality, rather dual. Sometimes I feel very happy and sometimes I feel much depressed. My mood swings concurrently. I also dream a lot. I remember I used to dream a place where there were a lot of people and suddenly they changed to monsters and beasts. This was my childhood dream.
In my adulthood, I dream of many snakes following me in the open field, and I was helplessly running. I felt insecure and afraid of people, and every one around me. I rather became suspicious of every one, my family, and my friends. I never had a sound relationship, neither with any of my family member or with my friends. At first I used to share my feelings with few of my friends. But as I grew up I became more and more secluded and isolated. I became unhappy with life and it’s offering. Now I am an aloof person and like to read romantic novels. My sexual id prevails but my superego never let it nourish properly.
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